When Giving Up.

Often I forget that  God is the strongest refuge, especially when it seems like walking into the great unknown.
In my journey in this life concerning my faith, I mostly stumbled because of all my personal fears,
It always came to me with different faces and different forms.
Fear of the world, fear of the future and fear of what  people might think about me often I felt more like a failure because I can’t help making a lot of mistakes
and my mistakes were now louder than faith
starting to give up on myself, and now I could only make myself disappear like bubbles, I would.
Fear is the reason why I sometimes persecute myself, hurting myself?
last week I just felt so hopeless and tired, so hopeless that I even gave up holding on to His  words and His Promises, I don’t want to feel convicted or guilty
I feel a heavy pressure in my heart.


But I was amazed at His faithfulness
Truly that our Father in heaven doesn’t love us because of “who we are” or ” what we are” or “what we can do for Him.”
He loved us simply because of “who HE is”.
Last Sunday while I was in CCF for Sunday gathering,
I lead my mother and sister to their designated dgroup; I was sitting in the corner thinking how much a failure I was, feeling so little with myself,
I heard someone calling my name it was my former dgroup leader,
She came to me and asked if I want to go with her, I didn’t say a word, she grinned at me and said “come! Follow me.”
and I stood up without the second thought, and I follow her,
I was nearly crying when I remember this story in the Bible at Matthew 4:19,
and that moment I knew “I was forgiven.”
We, His children will always lose grip into Him because of what is seen is much louder than what is unseen,
but never in our entire lives, God will lose grip into us.
And while I’m asking “God? will I ever change? All the things that you don’t like about me, all the things you will never always proud of.”



And I hear him answer “you know, child? You are a working in progress, you may give up with yourself, with your future, with your hopes,
you may always doubt me, the things I can do, you may always doubt yourself and but I won’t  doubt you, I know you better you know yourself, I am the one who made you remember?
And never will I gave up on you.”
When Giving Up.

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